So damn proud.

Tomorrow is a big day. I'm a highly sentimental person who remembers the date of every friends birthday and gets excited over what gift to get them, ready to celebrate their accomplishment of another year in this crazy life. So naturally I've been hyping about the anniversary of my first kiss with the man I now call husband. That leg in the bed that's crossing the center line but it's okay (sometimes.) 

In an attempt not to freak out too hard.. WHERE THE FLIP DID THE PAST 5 YEARS GO? 

I could tell you they were spent with the best man I could ask for & say something about wishing for many more years but we all know that. I've said it for the past 4 of these anniversaries. I'm sure you're all mildly sick to the stomach of "Michael and Shani are still together, woop." *sarcasm dripping from every letter*

But now it's your choice to keep reading my external processing. 

Within the past 5 years I have grown and learnt a lot. 

I learnt how to tear myself down to the point where I couldn’t find a reason to bother getting up in the morning. I learnt how to build myself up and how to focus my love toward God, myself and others therefore finding joy in blessing others through Him who gives me strength, who loves me unconditionally and forgives. I also learnt that these things are true and I should follow by example.

I learnt how to laugh, at myself and in general, how to be a best friend and enjoy the simple days. There was a phase where I forgot the importance of friendship. Another phase that involved us "hanging out" by sitting on his bed feeling annoyed with each other, hating everything the other did. #hormones #teenagerelationshipproblems We fought through this to come out stronger and choosing to love each other. Conquering this phase really strengthened us. I have read a lot of relationship advice pushing the "if it's not easy it's not meant to be." But I can testify that the hard times blessed us with the most growth and closeness afterward. It takes work but man that's what makes it worthwhile. You can't expect a great relationship to fall into your life and for it to always be that way. You also can't run at the first sign of hardship. Why are we so keen to work toward our #goals and post about them on instagram and facebook but as soon as something pops up in our relationship that looks like a mountain sized issue that we cbf conquering we run the other way and realise in 10 months time it was just a speed bump. 

I fell in love with nature & creation and learnt that I fit into this category therefore am also beautiful. I learnt the benefit of silence among trees that whistle their own song and the knowledge that I am connected to this brings me a deep comfort and understanding of respect for our world. 

I learnt that people wont be here forever and that's okay. Losing people in any form can be freeing, messy, upsetting, all at once even.

I am grateful for how supportive Michael is but you wouldn't believe how many time I've had to spell out what is important to me for him to know how to respect it. He isn't a mind reader and neither am I. Grace for mess ups. 

I learnt what it means to stand on my own two feet and how to let someone in. I've lied to Mikey. Many times. And he too has lied to me. Did it ever bring any good? Not once. Only distance and pain. Vulnerability is such a beautiful thing when done right. When learning this lesson it was a painful process but the outcome is more radiant than you can imagine. Honesty was never so beautiful as it is to love someone, flaws and all.

I changed from who I was to who I am now. In some ways I am HUGELY different to the 15 year old who fell in love with her BFF. I now know freedom, what it means to choose to love, how beneficial it is to push through the bad to find the good. If it all looks like clouds I now know the sun is shining just past this puff of nothing that will one day seem so small. I am different in the way I hold myself and the knowledge that backs my confidence, coming from somewhere higher and everlasting.

In the same way I am WILDLY similar to the gal who wanted to share her thoughts no matter how un-put-together they were. Who dislikes conflict and who crys cause stuff still gets to be too much sometimes. Who still sings at the top of her lungs {terrribly} and embraces everything with a smile.

I'm not putting all of this positive change down to me being with Mikey, cause I am a firm believer in being a strong ass woman who don't need no man {says the first girl married in my friend group.}

It's more the fact that journeying through the worst times and years of my life was such a trial alone and then put the stress of "finding myself," being proposed to, helping someone else with their struggles, conquering puberty & dumb hormones, failing at study, mental health, changing jobs, getting married, losing whanau and friends; put that altogether, and what do you get? An explosion, a mess, something that should have gone so wrong but went so incredibly right. The closeness we have found being immersed in each others mess & confusion and choosing not to judge but to encourage. 

This is what I celebrate when I say we have been together for 5 years. I celebrate that we are one and we have conquered so much alone and as a couple; it just blows me away. Navigating life and growing in the same direction wasn't easy at times yet was always so natural. 

When we got together I thought, "I'm doing this for me. Maybe we wont last cause he is so silly and all up in the air and eventually I'll probably want someone who can provide and be a good father." If I could go back in time and tell myself that Michael is all those things and so much more I wouldn't. Because the discovery that I am head over heels in love as well as laughing and arguing and battling and growing with the same man I chose when I was 15 is still news to me. I flash back to our first kiss or the day he told me he liked me all the time and I can't believe that I am married to that smooth guy who got me so good. That cheeky smile who I still to this day fight with over what we should watch on Netflix.

So a huge KA PAI to us for 5 years of growth and struggle that could have lead us in such different directions but that only bought us closer. I always think it impossible to love you more but hindsight is hilarious in the way it proves I can. And I do. 

You rock man. Keep buying me food and watching Gossip girl with me and I'll promise to play fight and let you win.. and watch Game of Thrones. 

Life is better together. 

S