No Longer Slaves

My anxiety has been consuming me recently. Or better said, I've been letting it. 

I often get described as a free-spirit, a bit of a hippie, but when I let worry and anxiety take over, I am anything but these things. 

 Yesterday I got to the point where I couldn't do anything but worry about worrying. This place is a fatal circle of why am I worrying, I shouldn't be worrying, Jesus is bigger than this worry, so why aren't I trusting in Him, I know I should, but why aren't I? Anxiety builds and I end up an 'on edge' mess of shaking and fast breathing, unable to be productive in any area. 

My failure to draw near to God in my time of worry and stress proves to be negative in consequence. I perpetuate my own downfall and make it all worse for myself. 

I hold onto this lie that while I'm dealing with this stuff, I'm not good enough to come before Him. I find it so much easier to say "I've stuffed up, I'm sorry," than "I'm currently stuffing up and I need you right now." 

We find it hard to admit defeat, that we can't do it on our own. This is particularly present in our Kiwi, DIY "Do It Yourself" mind-set. This has stretched from building furniture or a playhouse for your kids yourself to self-healing and self-fixing to the point we feel 'weak' at the idea of letting someone else in. We fear that feeling of 'weak' as more painful and harmful than what we are going through. So we decide that on our own is better. 

When I say we, I mean me, but I'm sure some of you resonate with this. 

I haven't always struggled this way but since I was restored of all my major issues I feel like I can't have problems anymore. "You had your time" my self-talk says, "No more help for you." And what a lie this is! Like we can use up the grace and love that He so freely pours out to us. What a joke! 

"Your mind is here to serve you, not to bully you." This is a truth coach from Soul Tour that resonated with me. Your self-talk should be helpful and encouraging, the kind of things you would say to a friend. It shouldn't contain the devils lies like "I'm not good enough."

At a youth service I helped run last night I found myself being so damn hit up by the message. The theme was "No Longer Slaves." We were discussing slavery in other countries but also what it looks like in our day to day lives. We spoke about addictions to porn or shopping, anything to get that high to fill that empty space. You know that one that only God can fill? We spoke about being a slave to depression, anxiety, eating disorders, how these illnesses trap their victims in a messy mind-set that isn't freeing at all. 

I realised that on the surface, I know I'm free cause Jesus came and washed away all my sin. I know that in Him I am more than all my thoughts tell me I am. But deep down, I always let worry win, I let sadness take over when I'm truly such a joy filled person. This is because I don't really believe I'm free. How could I when I don't feel worthy of our King? (A HUGE LIE)  When I can't come to Him, or anyone else when I am a mess? (ANOTHER LIE) Admitting defeat hurts. I’m all better now, shouldn’t I stay better? (SO MANY LIES)

I put my worth in my opinion of myself, in the opinion of others too, but mostly what I think they think of me, projecting what I think of myself and pretending it's their opinion. My self love is an ever changing thing and so unhelpful to base anything off of, let along my entire self-worth. 

So here's me letting fear win. Which I swear over and over not to do. Forgetting it's His opinion that matters, not mine. Forgetting how free I am if I can only look beyond the clouds and see the sun/Son. 

I took a stand this morning. Mikey suggested I try this.
I sat at my desk, played this song and said aloud, "Hey God, thank you for this day. You are epic and I can't make it through without you. Please help me bring your kingdom here on earth. I need you. I am yours." and no joke I instantly felt the Holy Spirit wash over me, who I had been keeping at arms length for a while. 

I sat in His presence for a while and just felt what it means to be His child. 

I then wrote every worry I could think of in that moment on a piece of paper. Everything running through my head that I didn't want there, I wrote down. Beneath my long list I wrote, "Please take these things from me Lord." Signed it, and tore it to shreds. 

The act of removing these from my mind onto paper and destroying them gave me a practical example of what it looks like when we give God our worries and burdens. They are no longer ours to worry about. 

Mikey reminded me that we may be allowed to worry, but it isn't helpful. 

"Jesus said, “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food to eat or enough clothes to wear. 23 For life is more than food, and your body more than clothing. 24 Look at the ravens. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for God feeds them. And you are far more valuable to Him than any birds! 25 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? 26 And if worry can’t accomplish a little thing like that, what’s the use of worrying over bigger things?" Luke 12:22-26

  I choose COURAGE over fear. I choose Jesus over fear. I choose truth over lies. 

I am free. 

No longer a slave. 

It takes a whole lot of courage to fight fear. Glad I've got the most courageous one on my side. 
So do you.

S.